.................I need a vacation.
I'm tired in my bones and in my brain and in my heart. A nap doesn't fix that. A good long vacation, someplace cool and sparsely populated, pretty scenery and leisure time would. I wish.
Life is pretty crazy right now, if you hadn't guessed. School is taking up most of my brain. Finally finished Hamlet, though I still have to write a paper on it and watch a movie version. David Tennant just did a version though, so that's okay. ;)
Stressing over dance stuff, because I'm a ditz and I can never remember to schedule preschooler practices for a Wednesday night before Wednesday actually rolls around, so the widdles aren't getting the practice they need; and 'cause there's a practice scheduled on November sixth for the thirteen people involved in the Christmas dance. Problem there? I still haven't choreographed the stupid thing. It's just plain not working. No Joy to work with, can't work with Corrinne to save me because she doesn't focus and she gets intimidated trying to choreograph with me. The song doesn't lend itself to the number of people who want to be in it, but I've already advertised what song we're doing and GAH!! Lol. :)
And then there's Sherlock. Not that that's adding to the stress. Actually, I think it's partly keeping me sane. Reading Sherlock books and researching Sherlock timelines and working on the fanfiction-esque story I'm writing about Sherlock. It's hush-hush, though, 'cause I'm seriously serious about publishing it, possibly for the first time in my life. I'm not even gonna post the title here, because thus far I'm the only person on the internet to have the idea and I want it to stay that way. And there's my muse, Benedict Cumberbatch playing Sherlock Holmes on the new BBC series, where Sherlock is a tech-savvy, nicotine-patch-using darling. How darling? This darling. And this and this and this and this and this darling. You'll want to mute that last one, as it's set to irritating music. But anyway.
But all of (school, dance, Sherlock, writing, etc.) that is just hiding or distracting from or in the background of what's really bothering me.
It's this God thing. I know, isn't it always a God thing with me?
It all comes from this deep conviction that American Christianity and the American Church just . . . isn't working. We aren't really doing the job we were given to do. Everything is over-complicated and compartmentalized and tainted with the consumerism of the culture around us. We've gotten too far away from what the Church, the Bride of Christ, was originally supposed to be.
And every time I'm at my church, I don't have rest. I want to be AnYwHeRe else.
And any time I'm in worship, well, it's complicated. I keep getting this weird feeling like something's off. And I keep thinking of this one Bible verse, where God tells the Israelites that he doesn't want their sacrifices, he wants their obedience.
So I'm starting to think that maybe this is God getting me ready for something Radical. That He's got a calling for my life that has something to do with doing church and Christianity differently that what has come to be expected.
And my parents are really enthralled with ideas like home church; anything that's more real, more like Christ than a multi-million dollar building and Sunday mornings.
And then I started reading Ezekiel. First few chapters, the parts about God calling Ezekiel. I might as well quote it here:
Ezekiel 2 “Stand up, son of man,” said the voice. “I want to speak with you.” ² The Spirit came into me as he spoke, and he set me on my feet. I listened carefully to his words. ³ “Son of man,” he said, “I am sending you to the nation of Israel, a rebellious nation that has rebelled against me. They and their ancestors have been rebelling against me to this very day. ⁴ They are a stubborn and hard-hearted people. But I am sending you to say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says!’ ⁵ And whether they listen or refuse to listen—for remember, they are rebels—at least they will know they have had a prophet among them.
⁶ “Son of man, do not fear them or their words. Don’t be afraid even though their threats surround you like nettles and briers and stinging scorpions. Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls, even though they are rebels. ⁷ You must give them my messages whether they listen or not. But they won’t listen, for they are completely rebellious! ⁸ Son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not join them in their rebellion. Open your mouth, and eat what I give you.”
⁹ Then I looked and saw a hand reaching out to me. It held a scroll, ¹⁰ which he unrolled. And I saw that both sides were covered with funeral songs, words of sorrow, and pronouncements of doom.

Ezekiel 3

¹ The voice said to me, “Son of man, eat what I am giving you—eat this scroll! Then go and give its message to the people of Israel.” ² So I opened my mouth, and he fed me the scroll. ³ “Fill your stomach with this,” he said. And when I ate it, it tasted as sweet as honey in my mouth.
⁴ Then he said, “Son of man, go to the people of Israel and give them my messages. ⁵ I am not sending you to a foreign people whose language you cannot understand. ⁶⁷ But the people of Israel won’t listen to you any more than they listen to me! For the whole lot of them are hard-hearted and stubborn. ⁸ But look, I have made you as obstinate and hard-hearted as they are. ⁹ I have made your forehead as hard as the hardest rock! So don’t be afraid of them or fear their angry looks, even though they are rebels.” No, I am not sending you to people with strange and difficult speech. If I did, they would listen!
¹⁰ Then he added, “Son of man, let all my words sink deep into your own heart first. Listen to them carefully for yourself. ¹¹ Then go to your people in exile and say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says!’ Do this whether they listen to you or not.”
¹² Then the Spirit lifted me up, and I heard a loud rumbling sound behind me. (May the glory of the Lord be praised in his place!)^{[a] 13} It was the sound of the wings of the living beings as they brushed against each other and the rumbling of their wheels beneath them.
¹⁴ The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went in bitterness and turmoil, but the Lord’s hold on me was strong...., ¹⁷ “Son of man, I have appointed you as a watchman for Israel. Whenever you receive a message from me, warn people immediately. ¹⁸ If I warn the wicked, saying, ‘You are under the penalty of death,’ but you fail to deliver the warning, they will die in their sins. And I will hold you responsible for their deaths. ¹⁹ If you warn them and they refuse to repent and keep on sinning, they will die in their sins. But you will have saved yourself because you obeyed me.
²⁰ “If righteous people turn away from their righteous behavior and ignore the obstacles I put in their way, they will die. And if you do not warn them, they will die in their sins. None of their righteous acts will be remembered, and I will hold you responsible for their deaths. ²¹ But if you warn righteous people not to sin and they listen to you and do not sin, they will live, and you will have saved yourself, too.”
So yeah. Not that I'm a prophet or whatever. But it feels suspiciously like God is saying something to me through these passages. I'm praying and searching, and a bit distracted. Trying to figure this whole thing out. Isn't that what life is about?