Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day

Howdy, folks.
So today is Mother's Day. And I feel like I should take a moment to thank God for all the Moms in my life.
First and foremost, ahead by a million miles of everybody else, is my Mama. I don't know why, but God has seen fit to give me the best one on the planet. She's my best friend, she knows everything about me. I can't ever manage to keep a secret from her for long. She knows what's best for me, and she's not afraid to be the bad guy. Is that weird? That that's one of my favorite things about her? That when it comes to what I need, instead of what I want, she's the one who holds the reins, and occasionally the whip. And no matter how badly I punish her for it, or how much I sulk, she always does what's best for me. I love you, Mama!!!
Second, my two wonderful Grandmothers.
My Nana has been one of my favorite people for as long as I can remember. She's one of those people who just loves and loves and loves and gives and gives and gives, until you think she'd eventually run out. But she never does. And as I get older and get to know her on a more grown-up level, I learn that that's because she's constantly refilling herself from her Jesus. She lives her entire life at His feet. And she is so incredibly humble. I was just realizing last night (we were over at her house) how much she has to teach me. And I cannot wait to start learning.
And my Grandma. I have only recently started to discover her. She's not one of those totally warm people like my Nana, so we were never close when I was young. She's more reserved. She's a lot like me, in that respect. But I've started to really put forth the effort to get to know her these last few weeks, and she's a really remarkable lady.
Then my Aunts.
My Aunt Becky, who was another of those favorite people from when I was really little. Actually, she was always more like another Mom to me, than an Aunt. She's been away for a long time, serving overseas with my Uncle Jared as a missionary. That hasn't been easy. But sometimes, during the summer, they come home for visits. And they're coming home this year!!!!!
And my Aunt Ruth. We haven't been close for a few years now, just because our lives have stopped putting us together so much, but there was a time when we were. She was 'Ms. Ruth' for a while, as my dance teacher. She leads a dance group at her church, that I was a part of for a long time. She's the person who really led me to fall in love with dancing. Everything I know (that I haven't learned by trial-and-error) I learned from her.
And last, but far from least, all my other moms and grandmas. Those wonderful ladies God has placed in my life that love me dearly, and that I don't know what I would do without. Brandice, Joy's mom Mary, Ms. Peggy, Ms. Tammie, Ms. Kellie, Ms. Cindy and Ms. Diane just to name a few. I am so thankful for them!
So take a moment, today, to thank God for all your moms, and to tell them that you love them.
Happy Mother's Day!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Honesty Part 2

Honesty Part 2 is going to be, essentially, a couple of lists.
Firstly, a list of things that, within the last three days, have reiterated to me the importance of honesty.
*Sunday morning, at Joy's house (omg! I didn't post about her bday party. will do that soon).
Her mom wakes us up by blaring christian music at us. The song is "Unspoken" by Jaci Velasquez. It gets stuck in my head. All. Day. Long. Important lyric: "Don't leave your heart
*Saturday night, the making of a promise to several of my girlfriends to be perfectly honest with them, no matter what.
*More Sunday morning, during the sermon, the line "Hearts are oft broken by words left
unspoken" running through my head over and over and over and over again.
*Yesterday morning, listening to my iPod trying to tune the family out to concentrate on
school. The John Mayer song 'Say' comes on. You probably know it. "Say what you need to
say. Say what you need to say." so on and so forth, about five zillion times.
*This afternoon, reading an email forward from my grandmother, that says things like, "Always tell, what you feel and do what you think.", and "Nobody would remember you if you keep your thoughts secret."
And there have been more, though nothing else comes to mind.
Secondly, while I'm having this soul-bearing moment, I might as well list what's on my mind.
*Life. Get-a-job-get-your-driver's-license-get-a-car-go-to-college-figure-out-what-you're-
doing-with-your-life life. Yeah. Fun. Not.
*Dance. Figuring out where the dance thing is headed at my church, figuring out where
God wants dance to head at my church, figuring out where God wants dance to head with
me and my life, and trying to make sure His will is done.
*My age. I feel trapped, because I'm just a "child" and as such I can only do so much. I have
this fire to make a difference in my generation, and to DO something, to GO somewhere
with my life, and I am absolutely, completely, and utterly S T U C K stuck. But, then, I feel
like the time I have for goofing off, cutting up, and being a kid is almost over, and I want to
make the next two years last ffffffoooooooorrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrr.
Make any sense to you? Me either.
So, there you have it. My life's problems, in a nutshell. Whoop-dee-doo.
Good night, everybody.

Honesty Part 1

So, you know, honesty is kind of a funny thing. Being honest, I mean. It's sort of a rush.
As you may've guessed, I'm not a very . . . open person. I tend to be the implosive type. I just kind of stuff everything inside. Mom says it's not good for me, that eventually I'm gonna just blow up. The way I see it, that hasn't happened yet.
And it's not that I have, like, trust issues or whatever. My life is just easier when people don't really know what's going on inside my head. I don't have to deal with sympathy, or comfort, or attempts at help.
I'm the kind of person who, when asked "How are you?", will 95% of the time reply "Fine!". No matter what's going on inside my head. I mean, unless it's Joy, or Mom or Dad, or Spring, or a select handfull of other people. I really don't care to have you know about what I'm going through.
Thats part of what I like so much about the internet, and the world of Blogger. There's this safe kind of illusion of anonymity. I know it's fake, but I feel so far removed from real life that it's safe to really be honest.
But that's something that bugs the snot out of me in other people. I can't stand anything that smacks of dishonesty. Probably because it's something I have a hard time with myself. I wish, with all my heart, that everybody (myself included) felt safe enough to be open and themselves all the time. And I'm fiercely jealous of people who are. People who have that confidence.
So it's something I'm trying to work on. I'm trying to get to where, when there really is something wrong, I can tell people. I can speak my mind. I can say what I need to say.
God's working on me in this aspect. In the last three days alone, the topic has come up about seven times, no lie.
So I'm working on it. Which brings me back to where I started.
Forget lying. Telling the truth is a real adrenaline high.
See, I have this guy friend, Brandon. He and I have been through highs and lows in our friendship. We just hit what was probably an all time low (due to some severe miscommunications, misunderstandings, and misconstruing), and are now on our way back up. He's one of those people who I'd like to be open with. But it doesn't come easy. Especially with a guy. I just kind of tend to recoil from that kind of openness with guys.
But we're emailing back and forth right now, and he's being pretty honest with me. Then he asked me, pretty seriously, how I'm doing. I gave the vague reply 'kinda going through some stressful stuff right now, but okay', hoping that would be honest enough to satisfy my newfound conscience, but vague enough to not really tell him anything.
And, of course, he had to ask what kind of stressful stuff.
I was still vague, but more honest than I've been with a lot of people here lately. And, like I said, it's a rush. I'm a bit jittery.
And it feels good, to be honest with people. To not hold back the truth. We should all try it some time.
Have a great day!