Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Honesty Part 1

So, you know, honesty is kind of a funny thing. Being honest, I mean. It's sort of a rush.
As you may've guessed, I'm not a very . . . open person. I tend to be the implosive type. I just kind of stuff everything inside. Mom says it's not good for me, that eventually I'm gonna just blow up. The way I see it, that hasn't happened yet.
And it's not that I have, like, trust issues or whatever. My life is just easier when people don't really know what's going on inside my head. I don't have to deal with sympathy, or comfort, or attempts at help.
I'm the kind of person who, when asked "How are you?", will 95% of the time reply "Fine!". No matter what's going on inside my head. I mean, unless it's Joy, or Mom or Dad, or Spring, or a select handfull of other people. I really don't care to have you know about what I'm going through.
Thats part of what I like so much about the internet, and the world of Blogger. There's this safe kind of illusion of anonymity. I know it's fake, but I feel so far removed from real life that it's safe to really be honest.
But that's something that bugs the snot out of me in other people. I can't stand anything that smacks of dishonesty. Probably because it's something I have a hard time with myself. I wish, with all my heart, that everybody (myself included) felt safe enough to be open and themselves all the time. And I'm fiercely jealous of people who are. People who have that confidence.
So it's something I'm trying to work on. I'm trying to get to where, when there really is something wrong, I can tell people. I can speak my mind. I can say what I need to say.
God's working on me in this aspect. In the last three days alone, the topic has come up about seven times, no lie.
So I'm working on it. Which brings me back to where I started.
Forget lying. Telling the truth is a real adrenaline high.
See, I have this guy friend, Brandon. He and I have been through highs and lows in our friendship. We just hit what was probably an all time low (due to some severe miscommunications, misunderstandings, and misconstruing), and are now on our way back up. He's one of those people who I'd like to be open with. But it doesn't come easy. Especially with a guy. I just kind of tend to recoil from that kind of openness with guys.
But we're emailing back and forth right now, and he's being pretty honest with me. Then he asked me, pretty seriously, how I'm doing. I gave the vague reply 'kinda going through some stressful stuff right now, but okay', hoping that would be honest enough to satisfy my newfound conscience, but vague enough to not really tell him anything.
And, of course, he had to ask what kind of stressful stuff.
I was still vague, but more honest than I've been with a lot of people here lately. And, like I said, it's a rush. I'm a bit jittery.
And it feels good, to be honest with people. To not hold back the truth. We should all try it some time.
Have a great day!

No comments:

Post a Comment